Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
