saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
