Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
