my mouth tastes like poor choices
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
