I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
