last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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