God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
