today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
