i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
