Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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