So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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