I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
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I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
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If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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