Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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