please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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