if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.