Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?