Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"