We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have feelings that need drinking.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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