I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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