After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
