You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
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mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
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Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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