I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
