It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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