I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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