I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
