I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
