i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
