I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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