he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
