Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize