What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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