I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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