Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
