The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
