He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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