Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
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