is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
