my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
