i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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