is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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