Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
