Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
