So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
