I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
