Fine. I'll sleep in my office
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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