Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
