"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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