Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
