He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
