I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
how does that bad decision feel?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
