my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
