There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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