if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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