sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We left an ass print on the piano.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
