I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize