i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
