Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
