We named our party play list daddy issues
I need to stop coming to work sober
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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