I only kidnapped one of them. chill
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
