So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I still have a little drunk in my system
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
