Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
