Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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